Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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