I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sorry about my life...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
