Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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