All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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