just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
