great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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