My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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