for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
