Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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