i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
