I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
