We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
