I need to stop coming to work sober
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
