he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
