cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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