sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
this hospital has no fireball
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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