Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
