She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
