"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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