I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
