She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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