i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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