I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
