If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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