I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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