Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
