all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
