:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
