i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
