this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
