her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
