you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
