I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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