he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he puts the penis in happiness.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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