So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
