i'm signing you up for texting rehab
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
