It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
