Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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