Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I can't put those talents on a resume
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
