im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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