I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Randomize
