Jerry, you need to find god
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
