Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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