omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
