I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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