So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
