Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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