sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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