Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
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