I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
