I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
